Author Archive
(No Ratings Yet)
Loading ...For those of you not blessed/cursed by living on UNH campus, Telecommhas offered those of us in the dorms direct PPP lines. They connectto our serial ports and run at a nifty (for the dorms anyways) 38400.Of course, being the brilliant folks they are, they give you a 16 bitversion of winsock (‘Lose ’95 won’t do it’s built in PPP thingthrough a serial port), so you can’t run a lot of software. Imanaged to get the upgraded version for 32 bit connections, so itworks swell now. The problem comes in when I tried to get my linuxbox hooked up.I got the ppp daemon compiled, the script written – everything seemedkeen. The problem started when I tried running it. It connects – Ican resolve host names, etc, but for some reason, data transfersREALLY slow for some things … like telnet. You can’t even telnetTO my machine at all. The weird thing is that ping works fine.My next move after playing with it for a while? Call the help desk! Here’s how it went:(after waiting for about 20 minutes on hold)Supposed Tech: “Hi – how can I help you?”Me: “Hi – I’m trying to hook up my linux box via PPP and I’m runninginto some problems. It works fine under ’95, but I can’t seem to getit to connect right under linux. I can resolve hostnames and even…”T: “Um, sir – what kind of computer is it?”Me: “IBM compatible. Specifically, an Ambra.”T: “Ok – what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?”* Slapping my forehead… *Me: “This is linux. It doesn’t run Trumpet Winsock.”T: “Oh – it’s a DOS program?”* sigh *Me: “No – it’s an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under ’95.”(Well, after I upgraded to a 32 bit version on my own, anyways)T: “Well, have you tried running this program under ’95 then?”* aggh!! *Me: “No – it IS an operating system. It doesn’t run under another operating system.”T: “Oh. Ok – so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?”(murdurous thoughts are beginning to go through my head)After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understandsthat Winsock won’t run under linux for some weird reason.Me: “So, can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?”T: “Sure – I just need to get some info from you…”She gets down my name, room number, phone number, computer type and brand, then we get interesting again.T: “Ok – so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows ’95?”Me: “Neither – it’s linux.”T: “Which type of Windows does it run under though?”(I’m sharpening my axe now…)Me: “Neither! It runs on it’s own!”T: “Oh!!! Oh! I’m sorry, in that case we can’t help you. We only support Windows 3.1 and Windows ’95.”Me: “WHAT?!?”T: “Sorry – that’s all we’re currently supporting. Have a nice day.”<Click>So, does anybody know where we hire these people? 
(State’s letter)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department’s files
show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection
Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush
forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
This is the actual response sent back:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County .
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I
am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson ,
Michigan ..
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you
call their skillful use of natures building materials
“debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their
dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your
request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out
a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring PondBeavers…. or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through The
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if
there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101
to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is… aren’t the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation, so
the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam
concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing
them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did
not pay any attention to your dam letter… they being unable to read
English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond
Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is
blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam
rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up
to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers’ Dams). So, as far as the
beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated
enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003 ? The Spring Pond
Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will
be no way for you or your dam staff to harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental
quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful
where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.
Thank You,
Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers/me returns to vacation mode till Tuesday afternoon. See ya then with LOTS of pictures and a few stories 
-=T=-
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
—————————————————————-
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as,
“If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to
tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
————————————————————–
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
So, I’m told that if I want J&T to show back up, I must apologize to J for “blowing up” at him last night. Well, guess what. 2 can play at that game.You show up here, break my microwave, show no remorse, no apologies, what so ever, even taking no responsibility for it. Ummm, yeah, ook, not so cool.Here’s the deal. I don’t care, really, what you think of what happened. You came over here, to my pad, you broke my shit, you then blame it on “the weather”, and say “it would have happened anyways”. Well, newsflash, it may have, but it would NOT have happened had you showed a bit of respect to it, instead of repeatedly slamming it shut. Yep, that is what caused the thing to break. Nothing else. Not repeated use, not anything but abuse.You want to take responsibility and apologize for breaking my shit (to my face), then you’ll get an apology for my supposed “blowing up” at you the other night. I dun care either way, really. I don’t need the negativity, constant drain on me. Sorry man, but I’m done with Mr. Negative attitude.Oh, Have a nice day -=T=-
Usually, when someone breaks something that’s not theirs they actually apologize for it. My friends? Not so much. Case in point:My microwave (which was, admittedly given to me by T because he had a crapload of them) has been working fine since Christmas of 2k4. A year and a half gang. The one before that? 2-3 years. Previous Microwaves? 3-5 years. Tonight, however, after I used it, it was working fine. When Jonah went to use it, he broke it. No, he won’t admit it, but he broke it. It took us prying the door open to even get it open. How’d he break it? I don’t know. Did he apologize for breaking it? No, he didn’t. His response? “It’s not my fault!!!” Ummmmm, hellooooooooo? The last person to use it had it working juuuust fine, clearly so. So, it was working when he put something in it (clearly, because he put something in it), yet he clearly broke the damn thing, because NOT ONLY would it not work, but he couldn’t open it to get it out…. Hrrrrrrrrrrrrm, who broke it? Did it just break itself? Not likely!!! Things don’t just break themselves dumbshit, they are broken. A responsible person admits that they broke it, and doesn’t try to cover it up.When I’m by myself, I drink 1, maybe 2 pops a day. This stuff aint cheap, and I recognize this. When others are around? I go through 1/2 case a day. By myself? No way!!! I actually drink the same amount when others are around as I do when I’m by myself. The difference? Others drinking it consumes more. Now, do I get reimbursed by others? Occasionally (ie: rarely). See, all of this wouldn’t matter to me in the world of Tom, except the fact that I’m not exactly sitting “pretty” as it were any more. I’ve got a vacation coming up, with no way to get to Chicago (I’m just hoping and praying right now), no $$$ to do things with, and I’ve got people pulling this. It’s NOT cheap by any means….Part of me wants to just bag the vacation until May, but that would just set off another set of events that would be not good, so, I’m going to stick with this one. Unfortunately, this will be the last time (I’m sure) that I will get to see my grandfather, soooooo, I’m not cancelling or putting this off.What the hell is wrong with the world here? Are people THAT ignorant that they refuse to take responsibility for things that they caused? No. It’s a matter of responsibility, and taking it. If something breaks, and I know damn well it’s my fault, I take responsibility for it. Case in point? Bud and Mike’s DVDs. Those have all (I think) been replaced, even though HE left them over at my place and could have taken them home when stuff started missing. No worries, it’s my responsibility, I covered it.To the one person who was affected by all of this and didn’t deserve to be (Travis), I apologize, because I know damn well what it’s like being on the end of me being pissed. Even a “Hey man, I broke your microwave, I’m sorry” would have sufficed, but no, not even that. Not even an acknowledgement that what he did broke it, just “hey, it would have happened anyways”. So, the resolution to problems? Pretty simple I think:The current case of pop in the fridge, open to whomever wants it. After that, nobody gets any, none, nada, nunca, zip. I spend too much on that shit any more to have people just drinking it without even repaying it.The next microwave that I pick up (yes, I will pick one up, eventually, when I get back from vacation) is going to be used by me and me only. Nobody else will be able to use it.Now, I don’t like being an ass like this, hell, I hate it, but realistically, I’m not a $$$ machine here. I don’t ask much from people, hell, I ask nothing (sans for a ride somewhere once in a while(like maybe 1x a month), and even then I offer some sort of thanks or payment (food, gas $$$, etc)), and the thanks I get is amazing. No apologies, no respect, just “here, I’m going to break your microwave”, “here, your opinion sucks balls because it’s not mine”, “here I’m going to drink your pop”, so much negativity it’s not even funny, especially from one person. No more, not going to be accepted any more.Will this affect things? Probably, but at this point, I don’t really care. Seriously, what’s it going to do? Mean I have to buy pop for only myself? Mean I have to replace things that I broke? Ok, sure, I’m good with that. I certainly don’t have a responsibility problem. I may have a few others, but responsibility aint my thing.Anyways, peace out, I’m going to bed, hoping I can find a way in the next two weeks to get to Chicago.-=T=-
Right now, I’m using Mike’s mac to take care of business (literally), as my PC decided it wasn’t going to be nice any more (seen it coming somewhat). Thankfully I’ve got friends that understand that business is TOP priorityMonday morning, I ordered a CPU (LGA 775, 3.2g HT) for a new box I was putting together. Since I’ve done this before, I had no problem setting it up, and putting it togther, or so I thought. It’s simple, take the old out, put in new box, and voilla, right? Wellll, not so….When firing up the new pc, it didn’t want to do anything but power up. Great, so the PS works, but it’s not doing anything. Tried putting everything BACK into the old box, and THAT did the same thing. Uggh!!! Funny, because the old setup had NO changes made to it at all. boooooh!
Solution? I’ve got a cpu fan (went through 2 last week) on order from newegg, they’ll gt it here next week, and I’ll have someone install it (I HATE LGA 775 fans!) and get it working for me. A bit expensive ($60′ish /hr), which is why I don’t usually take stuff in, but this is getting ridiculous.I’m still not sure how all of that will affect the trip to seattle, but we’ll see
The current buzz, right now is MTG. Yup, MTG has made it back into my life after 5 years of absence. This time, I’m going to be hanging onto stuff for a while .I’ve collected (at least) a playset of all of the commons from ravnica, and probably at least one of all of the Uncommons (sans dual lands which are fodder to me).This leaves me with a dilemna of what to do, where to go. Well, I decided to go 2 directions, both BACKWARDS (to Betrayers) and FORWARDS (to guildpact).Betrayers is the second in the Kamigawa block, and I’ve got a box of them ordered and in the mail. Should be here next week, YAY! Guildpact is the second in the Ravnica block, and I’ll probably pick up a box of that at whatever release party we go to on saturday, YAY!!! Hopefully we’ll hit Hiawatha, but who knows.
The pre-release was just fantastic, 2 nights out, enjoying no work (well, mostly). I LOST my ass , because I suck at the limited deck construction that you’ve got, but managed to come out of it with a couple deck concepts, one of which has been tested and kicks ultimate ass!
Unkillable Plant! (R/W/G)———————————————–Veteran Armorer (1)Giant Solifuge (1)Breath of Fury (2)Guardian of vitu-Ghazi (3)Recollect (1)Skyknight Legionnaire(3)Civic Wayfinder (for land) (2)Fists of Ironwood (sapporlings) (2)Faith’s fetters (removal) (2)Galvanic Arc (2)Mountain(5)Gruul Turf (1)Selesnya sanctuary (2)Lionheart Maverick (pumpable) (2)Forest (5)Seeds of Strength(2)Farseek(2)Phytohydra (unkillable plant, gets bigger when damaged) (4)Boros garrison (2)Selesnya Evangel (sapporlings, minor defense)(4)Plains (5)Congregation @ Dawn (library search)(1)Smash (removal) (2)Savage Twister(deal x damage to all creatures) (4)———————————————–
The object of this deck? Damage everything on the board, INCLUDING my phytohydras. Pump the phytos up with the twister, or galvanic arc, then attack. The sapporling generators are there simply for a weak wall, or to get more of a wall out there via sapporlings.
So far, the deck has held it’s own. The first time i played Jonah with it, I lost. playing mike, I lost, then it won a few in a row. Last night, up @ pandora’s, it carried a 7:3 record which is pretty impressive, really.Of course, I can’t always rely on the phytos which is why the guardians are in there, and the solifuge, which can’t be the target of spells or abilities ;p. The rest are in there just as junk, fillers until I get something to replace them , hopefully in Betrayers or Guildpact.
Vacation to seattle on the 16th of AprilI really really want (and need, for health reasons) to hit this, and will do EVERYTHING in my power to do so. Unfortunately, keeping this business alive right now is priority #1, and that’s starting to be a minor hassle. not a HUGE hassle, but expenses the past few weeks have hit the roof, with new cpu/fan/computer and old pc going to crap. Will definitely put every effort into going, because it’s been too damn long since I’ve been on a REAL vacation and seen my family, damnit!
Site UpdateOh, hey, did I mention I did a site (and theme) update? Pain in the ass this one was, but it looks like it took well enough!That’s enough for one post , methinx. Bed awaits!!!-=T=-
Because of the fact that I knew absolutely Nobody that played magic around the W’loo, CF area, I gave those cards away (yes, gave), including (I’m sure) some pretty sweet money rares (I didn’t have a list at the time).
The funny thing?
Six (if that) months later, here I am collecting the cards again, actually USING them this time though, building decks, all that. I’ve spent a good bit of change the past few days in picking up decks, boosters, etc.I just find it rather amusing that in such a short time, I have started picking this stuff up again.
For the clueless(and that’s not a bad thing):
Magic the Gathering is a trading(??) card game, with various rules, cards, and all of that. See the link posted in the first bit if you’re curious as to what it is.
Because of this game, I’ve actually added a Subpage to this page. Why? Because it’s easy for ME to use, and eventually (I’m sure) it will be easy for others to use.
This page will take a compiled list of the MTG cards and their values (rares/uncommons only atm, I’ll work on a separate list of foils), searches against my database for certain things.
How are these values compiled? I get my data from Magictraders who compiles a list of the ebay, newsgroup, etc prices, compares them, and makes a pretty good estimation of what the card value actually is.
So, let there be magic. Oh, and I’ll be going to a pre-release tournament here this weekend with friends, YAY me!!!!
The stats right now (for those that care)
I have every Ravnica common out there, and almost (note: almost) all of the uncommons/rares. There’s still a few that elude me, but I might solve a few of those this weekend @ the tournament
Next collection I’m going to be working on is the one before Rav, not sure if it’ll be done or not, but it will be looked for 
My collection atm is just around 1000 cards.
Right now, 4 decks have been built from my collection:
Red/White
This is a red/white creature deck, nothing special
Black/Blue
Counterspells and creatures. Currently the one that stands up the best
Give & Take
The whole thought of this one is giving and taking life. This is a red/white deck which has cards in it that allow me to take life from opponent when given life, and obviously a lot of white +life cards. Still in construction
Blue/Black (mill)
This one’s not really started yet, but it will be shortly. I’ve got a number of cards that are b/b milling cards, just have to put it together right .
MTG:
The addiction that just never ends!
-=T=-
Before the HUGE list, though, a bit of useless and odd facts:
Useless Fact #1
Did you know that someone actually PLAYED r2-d2 in all of the star wars movies? That’s about the most crazy shit I’ve ever heard. The guy’s name? Kenny Baker. Same guy, all movies. Now, I can see the point in having Yoda played by someone (errm voiced), because hey, he’s got a voice, he speaks, but Rd-D2??? Just a bit much I’d say!
Useless Fact #2
Rob Schneider (Currently #2 on the list) , who most associate with Adam Sandler (Currently #1) has had two parts that were NOT really comedic parts in Stalone movies. Judge Dredd and Demolition Man both saw parts by him.
Useless fact #3:
46 of the 359 movies in my database I have NOT WATCHED yet. Oy vey, I have some catching up to do , gang
Useless fact #4:
The OLDEST movie (according to IMDB) in my database right now is Herbie: The Love Bug (sorry, I LOVE the herbie movies damnit!), released in 1968. Gee, they had , like, drive ins, back then, too? 
Useless fact #5
I have 359 movies in my collection, yet only 356 of them are in English. I wonder what the other 3 are in.
Useless fact #6
Outside of the SNL cast, Vince Vaughn took #1 with 10 entries. That’s pretty damn good, really!
Ok, time for the long assed list. I took out the #1 listing, because it was a dud. Somehow unknown actors/directors got mixed in the fields and that was the #1 listing (what do you expect with 300+ movies, right? ).
2 – Adam Sandler: 15 actor entries3 – Rob Schneider: 14 actor entries4 – Will Ferrell: 13 actor entries5 – Alec Baldwin: 11 actor entries6 – Vince Vaughn: 10 actor entries7 – Darrell Hammond: 10 actor entries8 – Kevin Nealon: 10 actor entries9 – Samuel L. Jackson: 10 actor entries10 – Chris Rock: 9 actor entries11 – Ben Affleck: 9 actor entries12 – Jason Lee: 8 actor entries13 – Jonathan Loughran: 8 actor entries14 – Chris Farley: 8 actor entries15 – James Earl Jones: 8 actor entries16 – Tim Meadows: 8 actor entries17 – Dan Aykroyd: 8 actor entries18 – Steve Martin: 8 actor entries19 – Molly Shannon: 8 actor entries20 – Jon Lovitz: 8 actor entries21 – Danny DeVito: 8 actor entries22 – Seann William Scott: 8 actor entries23 – Ben Stiller: 8 actor entries24 – Steve Buscemi: 7 actor entries25 – Allen Covert: 7 actor entries26 – Frank Oz: 7 actor entries27 – Harrison Ford: 7 actor entries28 – Wesley Snipes: 7 actor entries29 – Norm Macdonald: 7 actor entries30 – Robert Smigel: 7 actor entries31 – Peter Dante: 7 actor entries32 – Chris Parnell: 7 actor entries33 – Eugene Levy: 7 actor entries34 – Frank Welker: 6 actor entries35 – Jennifer Coolidge: 6 actor entries36 – Cheri Oteri: 6 actor entries37 – Jack Black: 6 actor entries38 – John Farley: 6 actor entries39 – Dave Batista: 6 actor entries40 – Jason Biggs: 6 actor entries41 – Seth Green: 6 actor entries42 – Clint Howard: 6 actor entries43 – Phil Hartman: 6 actor entries44 – Dana Carvey: 6 actor entries45 – Delroy Lindo: 6 actor entries46 – David Spade: 6 actor entries47 – Mike Myers: 6 actor entries48 – Holmes Osborne: 6 actor entries49 – Bob Bergen: 6 actor entries50 – Rachel Dratch: 6 actor entries51 – Anthony Daniels: 6 actor entries52 – Kenny Baker: 6 actor entries53 – Jon Favreau: 6 actor entries54 – Christopher Lee: 6 actor entries55 – Shawn Michaels: 6 actor entries56 – Craig Castaldo: 6 actor entries57 – Paul Levesque: 6 actor entries58 – Jimmy Fallon: 6 actor entries59 – Matt Damon: 6 actor entries60 – Aaron Douglas: 6 actor entries61 – Rick Kain: 6 actor entries62 – Mel Gibson: 6 actor entries63 – Hugo Savinovich: 6 actor entries64 – Chris Kattan: 6 actor entries65 – Ana Gasteyer: 6 actor entries66 – Dustin Hoffman: 6 actor entries67 – Carlos Cabrera: 6 actor entries68 – Ned Bellamy: 6 actor entries69 – Larry King: 5 actor entries70 – Christina Applegate: 5 actor entries71 – Kenan Thompson: 5 actor entries72 – David Krumholtz: 5 actor entries73 – Amanda Peet: 5 actor entries74 – John Cena: 5 actor entries75 – Ian McKellen: 5 actor entries76 – Eric Bischoff: 5 actor entries77 – Gene Hackman: 5 actor entries78 – Sam Rockwell: 5 actor entries79 – Julia Sweeney: 5 actor entries80 – Christian Slater: 5 actor entries81 – Nick Patrick: 5 actor entries82 – Dylan Baker: 5 actor entries83 – Sean Bean: 5 actor entries84 – Mark Hamill: 5 actor entries85 – Tracy Morgan: 5 actor entries86 – Ty Olsson: 5 actor entries87 – Robert Peters: 5 actor entries88 – Thomas Ian Nicholas: 5 actor entries89 – Rip Torn: 5 actor entries90 – Jason Reso: 5 actor entries91 – Tom Sizemore: 5 actor entries92 – Ryan Robbins: 5 actor entries93 – Dean Norris: 5 actor entries94 – Phil Hawn: 5 actor entries95 – Al Pacino: 5 actor entries96 – Uma Thurman: 5 actor entries97 – Glen Jacobs: 5 actor entries98 – Dan Castellaneta: 5 actor entries99 – Colm Feore: 5 actor entries100 – Marton Csokas: 5 actor entries101 – Fred Willard: 5 actor entries102 – John C. McGinley: 5 actor entries103 – Tara Reid: 5 actor entries104 – Kris Kristofferson: 5 actor entries105 – Vincent Pastore: 5 actor entries106 – Sven-Ole Thorsen: 5 actor entries107 – Luke Wilson: 5 actor entries108 – Ray Romano: 5 actor entries109 – Jude Ciccolella: 5 actor entries110 – John Rhys-Davies: 5 actor entries111 – Tim Herlihy: 5 actor entries112 – Gabriel Byrne: 5 actor entries113 – Thomas Rosales Jr.: 5 actor entries114 – Tina Fey: 5 actor entries115 – Missi Pyle: 5 actor entries116 – Jim Carrey: 5 actor entries117 – Jeremy Piven: 5 actor entries118 – Jason Mewes: 5 actor entries119 – Lorna Scott: 5 actor entries120 – Casey Affleck: 5 actor entries121 – Sean Smith: 5 actor entries122 – Robert Klein: 5 actor entries123 – Ellen Cleghorne: 5 actor entries124 – Michael Keaton: 5 actor entries125 – Marrett Green: 5 actor entries126 – William H. Macy: 5 actor entries127 – Molly Cheek: 5 actor entries128 – James Cromwell: 5 actor entries129 – Ali Larter: 5 actor entries130 – Nicolas Cage: 5 actor entries131 – Ravil Issyanov: 5 actor entries132 – Kevin P. Farley: 5 actor entries133 – Eric Keenleyside: 5 actor entries134 – Stan Lee: 5 actor entries135 – Kevin Smith: 5 actor entries136 – Drew Barrymore: 5 actor entries137 – Philip Baker Hall: 5 actor entries138 – Bruce McGill: 5 actor entries139 – Keith David: 5 actor entries140 – Michael Madsen: 5 actor entries141 – Andy Richter: 5 actor entries142 – Ashton Kutcher: 5 actor entries143 – Paul Guilfoyle: 5 actor entries144 – Jack Doan: 4 actor entries145 – Adam Copeland: 4 actor entries146 – Teddy Long: 4 actor entries147 – Amy Dumas: 4 actor entries148 – John Rothman: 4 actor entries149 – Ric Flair: 4 actor entries150 – Billy West: 4 actor entries151 – Liam Neeson: 4 actor entries152 – Xander Berkeley: 4 actor entries153 – Fred Wolf: 4 actor entries154 – Alan Tudyk: 4 actor entries155 – George Wallace: 4 actor entries156 – Paul Wight: 4 actor entries157 – Timothy Olyphant: 4 actor entries158 – Maya Rudolph: 4 actor entries159 – Michael Jordan: 4 actor entries160 – Arnold Schwarzenegger: 4 actor entries161 – Patrick Stewart: 4 actor entries162 – John Carroll Lynch: 4 actor entries163 – Jonathan Coachman: 4 actor entries164 – Nigel Gibbs: 4 actor entries165 – Tom Cruise: 4 actor entries166 – Terence Stamp: 4 actor entries167 – Fred Keating: 4 actor entries168 – Richard Jenkins: 4 actor entries169 – Danny Trejo: 4 actor entries170 – Sarah Michelle Gellar: 4 actor entries171 – Garrick Hagon: 4 actor entries172 – Danny Glover: 4 actor entries173 – Debora Weston: 4 actor entries174 – Ian McDiarmid: 4 actor entries175 – Carrie Fisher: 4 actor entries176 – Chris Benoit: 4 actor entries177 – Whoopi Goldberg: 4 actor entries178 – Matthew Lillard: 4 actor entries179 – Art LaFleur: 4 actor entries180 – Peter Mayhew: 4 actor entries181 – Herbie The Love Bug: 4 actor entries182 – Richard Coca: 4 actor entries183 – Scott Mosier: 4 actor entries184 – Jennifer Lopez: 4 actor entries185 – Jerome Blake: 4 actor entries186 – Edward J. Rosen: 4 actor entries187 – Blake Clark: 4 actor entries188 – Joey Lauren Adams: 4 actor entries189 – Edie McClurg: 4 actor entries190 – Michael Bucci: 4 actor entries191 – Mark Calaway: 4 actor entries192 – Tim Blake Nelson: 4 actor entries193 – Jerry Lawler: 4 actor entries194 – J.P. Manoux: 4 actor entries195 – Boris Lee Krutonog: 4 actor entries196 – Darcy Laurie: 4 actor entries197 – Jay Mohr: 4 actor entries198 – Lilián GarcÃÂa: 4 actor entries199 – Todd Grisham: 4 actor entries200 – Christie Hemme: 4 actor entries201 – Jim Ross: 4 actor entries202 – Oscar Guttierrez: 4 actor entries203 – Sharon Wilkins: 4 actor entries204 – Joss Ackland: 4 actor entries205 – Kathy Bates: 4 actor entries206 – Deep Roy: 4 actor entries207 – Mike Pniewski: 4 actor entries208 – Gene Snitsky: 4 actor entries209 – Trish Stratus: 4 actor entries210 – Travis Tomko: 4 actor entries211 – John Layfield: 4 actor entries212 – Celia Weston: 4 actor entries213 – David Cross: 4 actor entries214 – Terry Crews: 4 actor entries215 – Bob Gunton: 4 actor entries216 – Greg Collins: 4 actor entries217 – James DuMont: 4 actor entries218 – Fran Kranz: 4 actor entries219 – Noel Gugliemi: 4 actor entries220 – Nora Dunn: 4 actor entries221 – Snoop Dogg: 4 actor entries222 – Ethan Suplee: 4 actor entries223 – Jesse Heiman: 4 actor entries224 – John Travolta: 4 actor entries225 – Michael Douglas: 4 actor entries226 – Jim Breuer: 4 actor entries227 – Famke Janssen: 4 actor entries228 – Jon Voight: 4 actor entries229 – John Goodman: 4 actor entries230 – Eddie Kaye Thomas: 4 actor entries231 – Dennis Miller: 4 actor entries232 – Orlando Bloom: 4 actor entries233 – Jared Chandler: 4 actor entries234 – Mark Yeaton: 4 actor entries235 – Boyd Banks: 4 actor entries236 – Angela Featherstone: 4 actor entries237 – Sharon Stone: 4 actor entries238 – Marshall Bell: 4 actor entries239 – J.K. Simmons: 4 actor entries240 – Stephen Tobolowsky: 4 actor entries241 – Liv Tyler: 4 actor entries242 – Jude Law: 4 actor entries243 – Ted Raimi: 4 actor entries244 – Elijah Wood: 4 actor entries245 – John Beasley: 4 actor entries246 – Tim Robbins: 4 actor entries247 – Nathaniel DeVeaux: 4 actor entries248 – Christine Baranski: 4 actor entries249 – Tom Hanks: 4 actor entries250 – Keanu Reeves: 4 actor entries251 – Verne Troyer: 4 actor entries252 – Colin Farrell: 4 actor entries253 – John Cusack: 4 actor entries254 – Sean Connery: 4 actor entries255 – William Forsythe: 4 actor entries256 – Heather Matarazzo: 4 actor entries257 – Christopher Plummer: 4 actor entries258 – Rick Ducommun: 4 actor entries259 – Karl Urban: 4 actor entries260 – Tim Blaney: 4 actor entries261 – Will Smith: 4 actor entries262 – Kendall Cross: 4 actor entries263 – Armand Assante: 4 actor entries264 – Kathryn Hahn: 4 actor entries265 – Brendan Fraser: 4 actor entries266 – Matthew McConaughey: 4 actor entries267 – Kal Penn: 4 actor entries268 – Hank Azaria: 4 actor entries269 – William Hill: 4 actor entries270 – Steve Kahan: 4 actor entries271 – Jamie Foxx: 4 actor entries272 – Carlos Gómez: 4 actor entries273 – M.C. Gainey: 4 actor entries274 – Frankie J. Allison: 4 actor entries275 – Stephen Root: 4 actor entries276 – Morgan Freeman: 4 actor entries277 – Mary Ellen Trainor: 4 actor entries278 – William Lee Scott: 4 actor entries279 – Warwick Davis: 4 actor entries280 – Brad Pitt: 4 actor entries281 – Bill Nunn: 4 actor entries282 – Lennox Brown: 4 actor entries283 – Laura Kightlinger: 4 actor entries284 – David Koechner: 4 actor entries285 – Frank Medrano: 4 actor entries286 – Brandon Molale: 4 actor entries287 – Peter Jackson: 4 actor entries288 – Victoria Jackson: 4 actor entries289 – Jim Cody Williams: 4 actor entries290 – Lee Garlington: 4 actor entries291 – Benita Ha: 4 actor entries292 – Horatio Sanz: 4 actor entries293 – Don Pardo: 4 actor entries294 – Dan Duran: 4 actor entries295 – Christopher Walken: 4 actor entries296 – John Cho: 4 actor entries297 – Brian King: 4 actor entries298 – George Sperdakos: 4 actor entries299 – Kevin Spacey: 4 actor entries300 – Peter Boyle: 4 actor entries301 – Lorne Michaels: 4 actor entries302 – Mark McKinney: 4 actor entries303 – Craig March: 4 actor entries304 – Chris Owen: 4 actor entries305 – Willem Dafoe: 4 actor entries306 – Tony Sagastizado I: 3 actor entries307 – Peter Williams: 3 actor entries308 – Joel McCrary: 3 actor entries309 – Katie Jackson: 3 actor entries310 – Keith Campbell: 3 actor entries311 – James Babson: 3 actor entries312 – Ron Perlman: 3 actor entries313 – Tony Todd: 3 actor entries314 – Mark Rolston: 3 actor entries315 – Lee Hartley: 3 actor entries316 – Luis Guzmán: 3 actor entries317 – Ron Selmour: 3 actor entries318 – Sandra McCoy: 3 actor entries319 – Tom McNulty: 3 actor entries320 – Michelle Monaghan: 3 actor entries321 – Billy Jackson: 3 actor entries322 – Ian Tracey: 3 actor entries323 – Linda Fiorentino: 3 actor entries324 – Jason Antoon: 3 actor entries325 – Angelina Jolie: 3 actor entries326 – Keith Leon Williams: 3 actor entries327 – Donal Logue: 3 actor entries328 – Caroline Goodall: 3 actor entries329 – Sandra Bullock: 3 actor entries330 – Marian Collier: 3 actor entries331 – Jackie Titone: 3 actor entries332 – Joe Pesci: 3 actor entries333 – Rene Russo: 3 actor entries334 – Kim Chan: 3 actor entries335 – Stephen E. Miller: 3 actor entries336 – Sean Astin: 3 actor entries337 – Billy Boyd: 3 actor entries338 – Cate Blanchett: 3 actor entries339 – Sala Baker: 3 actor entries340 – Tom Lawrence: 3 actor entries341 – Darlene Love: 3 actor entries342 – Traci Wolfe: 3 actor entries343 – Ebonie Smith: 3 actor entries344 – Raymond Ma: 3 actor entries345 – Simon Rhee: 3 actor entries346 – Jeff Imada: 3 actor entries347 – Charles Fleischer: 3 actor entries348 – Anthony R. Jones: 3 actor entries349 – Jamie Lee Curtis: 3 actor entries350 – Paul Tuerpe: 3 actor entries351 – Damon Hines: 3 actor entries352 – Danny Wynands: 3 actor entries353 – Wallace Shawn: 3 actor entries354 – Matt Schulze: 3 actor entries355 – Hugo Weaving: 3 actor entries356 – Kim Delgado: 3 actor entries357 – Shannen Doherty: 3 actor entries358 – Andy Serkis: 3 actor entries359 – Kevin Grady: 3 actor entries360 – Victoria Chalaya: 3 actor entries361 – Jennifer Garner: 3 actor entries362 – Carmen Electra: 3 actor entries363 – Todd Holland: 3 actor entries364 – Jack McGee: 3 actor entries365 – Pete Antico: 3 actor entries366 – Cedric the Entertainer: 3 actor entries367 – Cole Sprouse: 3 actor entries368 – Michael Giarraputo: 3 actor entries369 – Sarah Silverman: 3 actor entries370 – Jason Statham: 3 actor entries371 – Dylan Sprouse: 3 actor entries372 – Dominic Monaghan: 3 actor entries373 – Gilbert Gottfried: 3 actor entries374 – James Oliver: 3 actor entries375 – Viggo Mortensen: 3 actor entries376 – Carl Weathers: 3 actor entries377 – Maree Cheatham: 3 actor entries378 – Erick Avari: 3 actor entries379 – Gregory Sporleder: 3 actor entries380 – Anderson Goncalves: 3 actor entries381 – Eric Stoltz: 3 actor entries382 – Stevo Polyi: 3 actor entries383 – Kim Coates: 3 actor entries384 – Julie Andrews: 3 actor entries385 – John Leguizamo: 3 actor entries386 – Janeane Garofalo: 3 actor entries387 – Fred Savage: 3 actor entries388 – James Van Der Beek: 3 actor entries389 – Larry Lane: 3 actor entries390 – Claudia Katz: 3 actor entries391 – Patrick Coleman Duncan: 3 actor entries392 – Scott L. Schwartz: 3 actor entries393 – John Spencer: 3 actor entries394 – Stewart Summers: 3 actor entries395 – Michael Biehn: 3 actor entries396 – Matthew Davis: 3 actor entries397 – Robin Tunney: 3 actor entries398 – Ryan Reynolds: 3 actor entries399 – Justin Isfeld: 3 actor entries400 – Dick Van Patten: 3 actor entries401 – Michael Roof: 3 actor entries402 – Daniel Spink: 3 actor entries403 – Earl Schuman: 3 actor entries404 – Fred Armisen: 3 actor entries405 – Curtis Armstrong: 3 actor entries406 – Clyde Tull: 3 actor entries407 – Shannon Elizabeth: 3 actor entries408 – Alyson Hannigan: 3 actor entries409 – Richie Sambora: 3 actor entries410 – Eddie Murphy: 3 actor entries411 – David Bowe: 3 actor entries412 – Kent Shocknek: 3 actor entries413 – Kieran Culkin: 3 actor entries414 – Dustin Diamond: 3 actor entries415 – Joseph Patrick Kelly: 3 actor entries416 – Artie Lange: 3 actor entries417 – Ashley Edner: 3 actor entries418 – Rachel Ticotin: 3 actor entries419 – Tony Shalhoub: 3 actor entries420 – Gary Pike: 3 actor entries421 – Billy Bob Thornton: 3 actor entries422 – Michael Gregory: 3 actor entries423 – Anne Lockhart: 3 actor entries424 – Robert Picardo: 3 actor entries425 – Tamara Taggart: 3 actor entries426 – Eric Attio: 3 actor entries427 – Bruce Gray: 3 actor entries428 – Murphy Guyer: 3 actor entries429 – Lucy Liu: 3 actor entries430 – Harsh Nayyar: 3 actor entries431 – Goran Visnjic: 3 actor entries432 – Maria Bello: 3 actor entries433 – Shane Rimmer: 3 actor entries434 – Charles Andre: 3 actor entries435 – Claire Riley: 3 actor entries436 – Colin Foo: 3 actor entries437 – Wayne Duvall: 3 actor entries438 – Deleted due to misinformation439 – Kirsten Dunst: 3 actor entries440 – Deborah S. Smith: 3 actor entries441 – Bradley Whitford: 3 actor entries442 – Peter A. Hulne: 3 actor entries443 – Matt Walsh: 3 actor entries444 – Bruce Campbell: 3 actor entries445 – Tobey Maguire: 3 actor entries446 – Michael Papajohn: 3 actor entries447 – Chevy Chase: 3 actor entries448 – Peter New: 3 actor entries449 – George Wyner: 3 actor entries450 – Joe Bucaro III: 3 actor entries451 – David St. James: 3 actor entries452 – Claire Forlani: 3 actor entries453 – The Bishop Don Magic Juan: 3 actor entries454 – Julie Gonzalo: 3 actor entries455 – William Shatner: 3 actor entries456 – Richard Schiff: 3 actor entries457 – Linda Cardellini: 3 actor entries458 – Robert Miranda: 3 actor entries459 – Johnny Knoxville: 3 actor entries460 – Dina Meyer: 3 actor entries461 – Mark McGrath: 3 actor entries462 – Kevin Durand: 3 actor entries463 – Michael Dorn: 3 actor entries464 – Robert De Niro: 3 actor entries465 – Octavia Spencer: 3 actor entries466 – Amy Hill: 3 actor entries467 – Patrick Cranshaw: 3 actor entries468 – Jeremy Roberts: 3 actor entries469 – Harve Presnell: 3 actor entries470 – John Carey: 3 actor entries471 – Kevin Pollak: 3 actor entries472 – Bruce Willis: 3 actor entries473 – Mike Dopud: 3 actor entries474 – Johnny Depp: 3 actor entries475 – Mark Ruffalo: 3 actor entries476 – Peter Michael Goetz: 3 actor entries477 – Martin Short: 3 actor entries478 – Richard Portnow: 3 actor entries479 – Jane Adams: 3 actor entries480 – Marek Vasut: 3 actor entries481 – Dee Bradley Baker: 3 actor entries482 – Linda Hamilton: 3 actor entries483 – Diane Keaton: 3 actor entries484 – Angelo Tiffe: 3 actor entries485 – Kate Winslet: 3 actor entries486 – Roger R. Cross: 3 actor entries487 – Slash: 3 actor entries488 – B.D. Wong: 3 actor entries489 – Spencer Breslin: 3 actor entries490 – Paul Aulicino: 3 actor entries491 – Dan Joffre: 3 actor entries492 – Angie Jaree: 3 actor entries493 – Roman Podhora: 3 actor entries494 – Seth Rogen: 3 actor entries495 – Zooey Deschanel: 3 actor entries496 – Amy Poehler: 3 actor entries497 – Charles Walker: 3 actor entries498 – Nectar Rose: 3 actor entries499 – Gustavo Vargas: 3 actor entries500 – Mark Wahlberg: 3 actor entries501 – Thomas Lennon: 3 actor entries502 – Jerry Minor: 3 actor entries503 – Stuart Wilson: 3 actor entries504 – Glen Hambly: 3 actor entries505 – Angela Grillo: 3 actor entries
1. DON’T use Internet Explorer!!!!!
There is no reason, whatsoever for any user to actually use internet explorer any more. Even MyIE (or whatever they’re calling it nowadays) is bad, because it’s BASED off of the IE engine.
So, why replace IE?
a. It’s non standards compliant.
Even ie7 (which who knows when we’ll see) is going to not be standards compliant. Sure, they’ll rewrite things from the ground up, but they refuse to comply to W3C standards, which is just ridiculous.
b. It’s NOT a web browser!
IE is based off of (and uses) the file browser Explorer. Because of this , IE is surely not fully qualified to be a “web” browser. It’s a file browser, but NOT a web browser. Even IE7 and explorer (in vista) will most likely be closely integrated.
c. Security? Where???
IE has been well known before (and after) XP SP2. Yes, they cleaned up their act and got a bit more harsh on permissions, but IE is still IE and it’s still 100% insecure.
The question shouldn’t be why REPLACE IE, but why USE it? With IE being the most popular browser out there to hijack, why in bloody hell would ANYONE want to use this POS browser?
Misc. Myths:
a. “If I use another browser, I won’t see stuff that I should”
This is because IE uses older, non standards compliant CSS code. In other words, the problem isn’t the OTHER browser, but the fact that IE is wrong. In most cases, this is not a problem though.
b. “I won’t be able to view my favorite site using (insertotherbrowserhere)”
Again, this isn’t correct. In 4 years of using “other browsers” on Windows (I’m not going to plug another browser, you can see the one I use in the “cool stuff” section , I have not once seen any truth to this statement. Sure, there are (a few) people like Yahoo who refuse to write code properly, but those cases are extremely few and far between. In fact, the ONLY case I’ve seen is Yahoo lately where that’s a problem, and they’ve said they’re working on it, supposedly.
c. “Internet Explorer is Secure with SP2″
This is just incorrect. Days after sp2 came out, numerous hacks were written which proved that IE was STILL insecure!!!
d. “They can still get to me if I use another browser”
Again, incorrect. I use other browsers, and have for years, and NEVER once have I had any problems with spyware, virii, etc.
2. DON’T use Outlook (or Outlook Express)
Hey, if these guys can’t write a BROWSER properly, what makes you think they will be able to write an EMAIL client properly? Well, believe it or not, they can’t.
Outlook/OE are extremely insecure, in the fact that they , like IE are too permissive. Viruses are written for these email clients on a daily basis, and, as always, nothing is done about this @ the Microsoft front. Sure, they claim to be doing stuff, but those are always just empty promises. It takes months, sometimes years to get updates for these products to fix huge security holes in the product.
Reasons not to use Outlook / OE:
a. Registry issues:
We’ve all come across these, and as a tech, I can’t count the times that I’ve received this call:
I’ve modified nothing in my email client, yet I can’t send or receive email
Every time, it’s the same thing:
Client is using Outlook or Outlook Express.
Once I tell them to close the client, and restart the computer, usually (usually) this helps. If THAT doesn’t help, then I tell them to re-download the auto configuration, and then do the same thing. That ALWAYS helps
So, what changed? Nothing. The server didn’t change anything , the email address and password didn’t change. This is the mystery that is the Microsoft Registry. Love it, leave it, whatever, the registry gets modified quite frequently, and in many cases WILL screw up Outlook/OE.
b.Proper Error Reporting
Oy vey, how many times have I heard the following:
I’m getting this error in Outlook
Error 0x800CCC0F (or insertothererrorcodehere) when sending or receiving mail.
Please, someone tell these people how to PROPERLY report errors, my god! That’s about as helpful as the following (and I have got this one too):
My server’s broken, I don’t know what broke, but it’s just not working
Errm, hello??????? Come on now, seriously. A properly designed email client will not give you binary error codes, it will spellout the problem, and go from there. Jesus F’ing Christ!
c.Security
Security is a pretty hot one. I’ve talked a bit about the security factor, but not a lot. Here’s a few things that Microsoft Outlook (OE) does wrong in the security end of things.
A> Automatically displaying images, without the ability to turn them off
B> Automatically sending emails without permission
C> Automatically parsing and loading scripts such as vbscripts, js, etc
D> Automatically displaying html, without the ability to turn them off.
E> Improper filtering options
F> Inability to properly seclude and secure accounts
Admittedly, the (later) versions of Outlook handle the first and last (I believe) well enough, but let’s just face it, who wants to spend hundreds of $$$ for security features, right?
d.Backups
A proper email client will back it’s own data up and provide the individual with the ability to backup/export AND restore reasonably. Let’s face it, losing email is a bad, bad, bad thing. Outlook and OE have BOTH failed this test
So, how about some alternatives?
Here, I will actually speak up a bit. I use Barca by Poco systems. This is intended to be an alternative to Outlook, not OE. They do a lighter (cheaper) version for those just looking to replace Outlook Express, the only difference between the two being the Office type functionality (calendar, notes, diary, etc). These guys are the BEST that I’ve seen and the most secure. Unlike most, they do not use the Microsoft Rendering engine for mail, meaning that my mail is 100% secure.
3. ALWAYS use a firewall
Windows firewall isn’t going to cut it in this case. It’s too new, to clunky and too, well, too problematic. If you’re online, and you have a broadband connection (even if you don’t), you’re going to be attacked and run the risk of dealing with zombie programs, etc. Know what’s going on in your PC, KNOW what’s being done to it, and know what can be done to prevent it. The best out there will tell you you’re being attacked and proactively block that attack. This is how things SHOULD be done. Without a firewall, you’re screwed, seriously!
4. ALWAYS use Virus Protection
Email isn’t the ONLY way you can get viruses, gang, and more and more individuals are realizing this. Virus protection is ONLY as good as the individuals sending this out. There are a number of top players in the game here, so I won’t go into this much more. Just remember, that your connection is more than JUST email!
5. ALWAYS know what you’re installing, and where you got it from
Another big one here, really. This comes up more in p2p than anything, but still you NEED to know what you’re installing, where you got it from, who the developer is, and, download the product DIRECTLY from the developer whenever possible. I realize that it’s not ALWAYS possible to do this, but it should be done as much as possible.
In 5 years of running Windows PCs (previously Linux), I have yet to get a “virus”, “trojan”, or anything else. Why? Because I’m safe and secure with my browsing. Remember, gang, you are responsible for your browsing habits, and your PC. Don’t leave your PC insecure, or you too might be getting a visit from the RIAA someday claiming YOU did something you have no knowledge of.
Peace out,
-=T=-
* If HP made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread!
* If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
* If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
* If Circuit City made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
* If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
* If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
* If the Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
* If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
* If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
* If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
* If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
* If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster ’02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
* If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier and ten times better!
