Do you E-Bay? Well, you’ll want to read through this experience quite well, and make sure that you have read through and understood the actual implications of changes that they have made penalizing BOTH sellers AND buyers, because, if you don’t, you COULD potentially end up like me, thrown out on your ass for doing nothing wrong, like me.

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- If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

- Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

- Remember, “Y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural, and “all y’all’s” is plural possessive

- Get used to hearing “You ain’t from round here, are ya?”

- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

- Be advised that “He needed killin.” is a valid defense here.

- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

- Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

- In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

- If you do settle in the South and have children, don’t think that they will be accepted as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits.

- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

- It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

- Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their behind. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

- Chuck Norris once got in a knife fight. The knife lost.

- Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because he’s afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the chin and thus created a giraffe

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband :(Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife :Have you brought the grocery?
Husband :Bad command or filename.
Wife :But I told you in the morning
Husband :Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife :What about my new TV?
Husband :Variable not found …
Wife :At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Wife :Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband :Too many parameters …
Wife :It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband :Data type mismatch.
Wife :You are useless.
Husband :It’s by Default.
Wife :What about your Salary?
Husband :File in use … Try after some time.
Wife :What is my value in the family.
Husband :Unknown Virus.

This one just cracked me the hell up. God I love UserFriendly

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